Critical Mass is a bicycling event typically held on the last Friday of every month in over 300 cities around the world. The ride was originally founded in 1992 in San Francisco with the idea of drawing attention to how unfriendly the city was to cyclists. How do I know this? It is on the about page at HoustonCriticalMass.com. With somewhere around 2500 participants in the month of September, the Houston chapter of Critical Mass easily boasts one of the largest in the country. Whether you are riding to help promote bike safety, take advantage of the nice scenery of girls on bikes, or just partaking in an event you saw on your twitter feed like the shallow hype beast that you are, the ride can be an enjoyable, inspiring, or it can leave you asking yourself “What the fuck are these people doing?”
Alas, amidst the recklessness and chaos that can be several thousand people riding through red lights, up and over sidewalks and curbs, in an out of traffic, there are a few hundred people that are just riding just to enjoy a ride. If this is you, I commend you. Nevertheless, here are a few tips and tricks that should make your ride enjoyable without you looking like the d-bag you are.
1. Don’t be a dick.
Seriously. I know your excited, you can’t wait to show off your mad skills on two wheels. There’s a lot of people there, and chances are you are not the star of the show. Calm down an please hold the wheelie tricks to minimum. Unless your on a BMX bike, that shit is cool.
2. Do NOT touch the cars.
You know what was one of our favorite things to do when we were 8 years old and reckless? We used to jump on our stolen, gray spray painted bicycles, grab on to the back of the Nigerian dude’s ice cream truck and get a free tow until he spotted you and launched dry ice at your face. Yep. And, how old are you now? Yea, try not to touch the cars.
3. Pedestrians are people too.Try not to run over the people at the Metro stop, what are you doing on the sidewalk anyways? Watch out for the guy crossing the street with his grocery bag of ham, cheese, and sunbeam bread. And for god’s sake don’t tip over that hobo’s grocery cart! C’mon man!
4. Red lights are…… I don’t even know the answer to this one.
Stop. Don’t stop. Stop sometimes. Man I dk what happens. Just go.
5. Watch the youngins.
There are people out there enjoying the ride with their kids. If you are someone that would cut off a 10 year old on their bicycle, you are probably also someone that speeds in school zones because your running late due to the mirror selfie you took before leaving for work. Die.
6. Don’t Mess With Texas
Look at me, I’m cool riding around drinking ma strawberry rita and riding in #CriticalMass. Ok, that might be cool, but dont just dump the empty can in the bushes. Take a small trash bag. Chances are you’re probably out of shape and going to have to make a pit stop soon. Find a trash can and dump that shit properly. Smh.
Whats the take from all of this? Just don’t be such a d-bag and everything should be chill. Oh, and pass the dutchie pon the left hand side!
Picture credit goes to: www.houstoncriticalmass.com